Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Tide is Out

The Tide is Out
After so long
in our ocean of marriage,
very rare come the times
when I really dislike you.
Here, now, I find myself.
The currents gathered, exploded,
then retreated, peeling back all
our structure and
all of our pretenses,
drained us of apathy &
stripped our laziness of
habitual interaction.
Bare the ocean floor of US,
revealed like this,
no waves, no waters, no fluid distractions
or distortions to pretty us up.
Just stark, dark layers of
the silt we tried too long to ignore,
ridges somehow petrified
despite the currents,
now crumbling under our
expanse of separateness.
Not only can't I find you,
I realize that neither
am I looking for you.
Anger, frustration &
withheld apologies stalk us
like piranhas
taking bites out of our
newly exposed,
& dangerously fragile, love.
I know, I know,
the waters will slowly trickle back,
begin to buoy us again,
to lead us bobbing,
thrashing, & spitting dark
slices of our own mud,
in a return toward each other.
I turn my back on it all
and wait, this time,
for it to come find me.

11/23/08, L. Antonia Brown

the journal page: acrylic paint, a drawing of myself covered with clear embossing powder. then I froze the page for about 10 minutes, and cracked the layer of embossed powder to create the feeling of shards.


Beth said...

oh toni....I hear you and feel you and send a hug to you !!!

Veronica said...

Oh crap. I know it must suck. Those days happen to all of us. Just ask Rick.... there are days he gets just as angry at me as I may get at him. But those days will go away and so shall yours. Hang in there and i am here if you just want to talk. Call me at home either tonight, tomorrow night or even Wednesday night. I will be here for you.
hugs and tons of love me

nina said...

i know. i've been there. i really have. and you know what? i'm not going to tell you that it is going away, because right now - when you are in the midst of it, looking out - it doesn't feel that way, and my saying it will won't make it any better. what i will say is that you are stronger than you know, that you are your own person, that you can get through anything. anything at all. take several deep, deep breaths, pat yourself (for real, do this) on the thigh, cry, wail, breathe again. and then - then - look up and out and realize that you've made it this far. and you'll get to the other side, sooner than you think. xoxoxoxo

wildaltarose said...

As I read your comments on Nina's blog I felt that I needed to send you a hug. Just keep telling yourself you are not alone...and if I read the unwritten thoughts correctly....I have been there also. Just remember to look after yourself.....hug yourself.


Anonymous said...