Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Quilled

My 'morning page', from this morning. My question when I went to bed last night was this: "Dear Universe, what perspective can I gain on the fact that when most of the others in my life, especially professionally, look at & interact with me, they persist in underestimating and diminishing me? How can I protect myself from allowing that attitude to penetrate my perceptions of myself?"

I woke up humming America's brilliant & lovely song, a longtime favorite of mine, 'A Horse With No Name' - do you remember this part of one verse:
"The ocean is a desert with its life underground
And a perfect disguise above ..."

Written by Dewey Bunnell, ©1971

My life is underground (personal), inside (private), disguised by the postures I take on most of the time, with most people, in order to walk through the professional and exterior rounds required of me. But that is NOT my reality. They are the ones being fooled, believing what they 'see'. And it leaves me free to go seek kindred souls without leaving any energy behind where it's not welcome or needed or even recognized. A page about suddenly finding myself on equal/peer footing with someone heretofore always elevated (by me), on a pedestal ... words follow Bob Dylan's "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" melody, 'Mama take this crown away from me; I don't need it anymore.' All watch/time references because this transformation has taken almost two and a half decades, and then in one exchange I passed through it to equilibrium & literally, internally, saw the crown I had placed on this individual's head float off, grow more and more distant, then disappear.

6 comments:

Holly said...

Well, you know me and my adoration of crowns, so I don't know that I'll ever ask to have it taken off of me...

but the part of you that is hidden? The part that only those of us with correct eyes can see? That is true. Very.

And, the truth will set you FREE!

Veronica said...

I am sending you the perfect thing that will go with this. The moment I saw it I thought this is what T needs

Cam@Journey Wildly said...

Toni- here I sit in warrior stance, ready to do evening battle with an unarmed opponent.

This made me stop and realize that. I can reserve my energy for brighter needs. This person is asleep at the wheel if she can treat people the way she does, so I will not take it personally.

Thank you for this reminder!

Kathy said...

Oh Toni...this is so powerful and insightful. And the other verse from "Horse With No Name" that resonates with me is "Under the city lies a heart made of ground that the humans will give no love" (I think that's how that goes) Those in your life who can't or won't see you for who you really are have built their own "city" on top of you, their own perceptions and therefore cannot see the real you. Just a thought! :-)

Kathy

LostLuggage said...

Toni...that bottom page is really striking....excellent imagery for your post today too!

Wildeve said...

Toni, you are amazing! So many insights, so intense. I love the second piece especially, for the colors and the flow. I think I'll go listen to my America CD now.