Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Need to Slap Somethin ...

My mood today echoes what I read, earlier, over on Holly's post. I feel cantankerous, oddly frustrated, have got the shortest fuse I ever remember having. Weird. It's getting hot here in these Phoenix, AZ parts, and I'm not ready. That doesn't help.

Mainly, though, it's the journaling thing. As I mentioned, I ripped the remaining blank pages out of the Big A** Journal. Thought I'd go forward and finish the comp book I had been lugging around in my purse, but I'm not feeling that. Not feeling the wirebound, lined-page journal I've had on the shelf.

Truth is, I'm not feeling any of the books because I don't want to go ahead with more of the same -- pretty pages, fun though they are, scannable and bloggable and shareable -- they STILL aren't getting me to the scuff, the scum, the shadows, the grit, the raw meat, the immediacy of my story. I'm not telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in my journals and (sorry) THAT IS SUCH A WASTE OF MY TIME.

Fear, it's all fear.

I don't think I want to post my journal pages anymore. Posting means I'm prettifying for an audience response or viewing; prettifying means EDITING; EDITING is a trap that can randomly (or more often) lead to bullshit (as in fooling myself, mostly). I kept a written journal for 30 years without ever any kind of audience, invited or otherwise -- what's with the need, now, to blog my every journal background? It was fun, initially, and it's led me to some amazing creative women and a couple of fabulous groups ... but ultimately it's impeding my Dig Deep Process.

Anyway, this is everything that's on my mind right now. Brought on by another e-mail from another blog/journal Nazi giving me shit about a) the use of the word SHITE and b) my use of nude images which I then post.

I gotta think about this.

14 comments:

LostLuggage said...

SHITE SHITE SHITE

NUDE NUDE NUDE

Never stops to amaze me how people can complain about stuff they read or see....

Everyone has different reasons for posting.. I hope you find a happy medium though..I would hate to see your blog go dark, my friend.

Carla said...

Well, I think it takes quite a lot of gall for someone to come on here and complain about your verbiage or your images. Just ignore that bad behavior. People misbehave. I understand completely, and I mean completely about this whole posting bit. I so frequently feel like I'm in some sort of contest, and invariably losing. I hate it. Don't post the journal pages if they mess with your process. But please don't go away! You are a bright light! I love your blog, and I love your witty, sassy personality. You are a valuable blogging buddy, my friend!

Holly said...

Well, Carla, I couldn't agree more. And, here's the thing, Toni, if we don't remember that there are things of beauty and color then we will truly become lost. Especially in times like these, we have to remember what else is there for us. What the world is made of...not just the narrow field of vision that frustration and fear brings about. Please...post what you want to share with us...but remember you aren't obligated to amuse us.

And to the foolish person who was so presumptive to come onto your generous site and tsk, tsk you...are you freaking kidding? A blog is what the author wishes to share. If you don't like it, move the f on. Don't you dare come to a site and act as though you know more or better. Stick to your knitting. As I will stick to mine. But, Toni, feel it...but share it when you want to. We'll be listening and waiting when you do. Blog Hugs to a fabulous woman!

Samantha said...

I agree with Carla and Holly. But I also get a sense of something big and new on your horizon here. Questioning the process doesn't hurt. Looks like you're laying it bare and getting ready for some shadow work, which is exciting stuff.
Know your truth and don't back down.

lee said...

shite shite if she doesnt like it she doesnt have to read it. Say what you really mean....easy for me to say, I find myself editing, it you only knew what a real shite I am.....(lol)

beth said...

oh shut the shite up....are you kidding me ?

and I just flashed my boob at you !!actually both of them !!!

you my dear sweet friend need to do what your heart and your gut want you do to...it's that simple !!!

you know I love you no matter what you do, what you say or what you share !!!

skywind said...

Everyone has demoralized the time, you will heartened up.
Health is the Greatest Happiness
The World at The Present

cinner said...

i love your blog and shite i would hate for it not to be on here. but do what your heart tells you. don't let some anal retentive beeach get you down, shame on her.

JonesMoore said...

Very disturbing that someone gave you shit (oops, fingers slipped), about your journal entry. This is the land of free speech and creativity. Direct that person to the blog "Post Secret"

http://postsecret.blogspot.com

That'll give her/him something to talk/complain about for months, and they will probably leave you alone. Stick to your guns, Toni.

Mel said...

I'm with Samantha on this one...we're just going through a Storm Moon - a time of great change and upheaval so I don't doubt that you're feeling that energy. I've been feeling it myself although more on the scale of gadding about like a blue-arsed fly with all kinds of energy but no real focus....:(

Facing our Shadow-selves is all part of the process and you need provide no excuses for the retreat....

As for the shite-Nazi..wtf?!?!?! I will follow along and flash a boob in her general direction....:)

brightest blessings...

Pierina said...

Hola Toni!
did you received my email?? Please let me know, I guess something is working wrong with one of my accounts.
A big hug!
Georgina

Donna said...

I'm big on quotes so here's one for you....I try to live by this one.

"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."

William Arthur Ward.

Que Sera, Sarah said...

awww, shite. That is ri-god-damn-diculous! Get off an artist blog if you don't like what you see.

P.S. ~ Please don't go.

:)

coffee said...

i love the visual style of your blog