More "Committee" Introductions - SoulCollage

White Fish. I am the one inhaling & sifting all currents, expelling pollutants, ingesting the nutrients then offering them, blunt & raw, for your nourishment. I am your guide down to and in the depths. I keep your place here, & I am the guardian of your trust. The Mediator. I am she who washes your heart clean of blame & bitterness, renewing your balance, & joining the hands of all you are in the collective circle of one. The Poet/Scribe. I am your essence, your DNA core, from skeleton to sinew to blood. I am the language and expression of your very breath, and your truest source of undiluted joy. I. Am. You. The Undeserving Sideliner. I am the one distorting your external belonging, disassociating you from welcome, the carnival glass in your mirrors & windows. Exposure exacts punishment - there is familiar safety behind the veil of isolation.

The image for the white fish card SCREAMED at me from the magazine page. It was not in the smallest way what I thought would find me for this card, and seeing it, recognizing it, caused me anguish, made me actually flinch. White Fish on a cutting board, filleted, nearby knife? But that's exactly what White Fish does for me -- break down the b.s., the distractions, the mental denial, and feed me back The True Ingredients, raw & salty & still alive with pulse & currents. It's true, it's what I do to this part of myself -- cut it apart and feed on it, with absolute trust. How wondrous that it's there, within me, that strong, that astute, & that self-sacrificing! Lesson: the images may shock, offend, hurt me, but there is a REASON. Go forward; find the reason.

2009 Calendar: March 30th to April 2nd

Prompt: Sweet Corn. The husks open for journaling within, and some of the kernals on the 'ear' of corn also lift for secrets!

Committee Suit Cards - SoulCollage

An entire morning, into afternoon, spent working on SoulCollage cards (only 4 completed!) - change of plans from what I thought my day might bring, but just as welcome! While image-gathering, some I just liked, a small 'hit', but some echoed hard inside, definitively. Then even more culling and filtering as the card-making process progressed. The next step is to add the verbiage, and I spent considerable time outside drafting my thoughts, as I wanted them to be as concise, as precise, as the examples in the SoulCollage book. The Conduit Mapper. I am the convergence of all your internal voices, collecting sensory input without judgment & honing your vision as to all possible pathways. Prairie Girl. I am the simple one, uncomplicated & easily pleased, closest to your inner earth, glad for any task & grateful for the smallest beauty. The Abandoned Child. I am the rarely sought one, colorized & illuminated, holding the train of all your dreams & begging for the invitation to join you. The Condemner. I am the immovable one, wanting to protect you from cages, dangers, dead ends, & death, with all my warning powers! I embody & articulate your fears.

Well, anyway, there's a run at it. I'm seeing, strangely, that the really supposed NEGATIVE (the condemner) is operating on my behalf, out of love and protection, not just being a shrill naysayer, dumping on everything. I hadn't ever considered that, that possibility, that angle. That knowledge creates a substantial sense of internal balance when it comes to how I regard her voice. Gives it more validity? I think -- as in go ahead and listen, there may be a caution here I need to gage & consider, something I've overlooked in a rush of enthusiasm or adrenalin.

Background Overflow

All these backgrounds are in my overflow journal -- because I'm writing so much in response to my SoulCollage reading/process, I'm not currently making backgrounds in my own journal. This gorgeous senorita came on a postcard to work; I snagged it immediately. I like this page -- loads of symbolism, ideas for writing. A series of pages glued together, then ripped to create pockets. Tags a gift from Mary Mata, with a recent order. I used a huge doily to create the stencil. A two-page spread, and there isn't a blob on the woman's eye -- I missed that when I scanned it. I LOVE how regal, yet warm, she appears. I saw this, the slide mount with the charm on it, in a Stampers Sampler magazine; wanted to use it. "Follow your Dream' piece came in the mail at work, on an invite to help a charity. I love dream catchers so kept this. The tuck-in with the word 'strong' on it is actually some homemade postage ... Went 'shopping' in one of my hide-&-seek boxes, and came across my Far East tablet of papers. I love this bird, find myself ripping it out whenever I come across it in a magazine. Little Asian playing card from a deck I bought at the Chinese grocery store. I call this a 'grounded tag' -- meaning it doesn't lift, and nothing can be tucked behind it, but it still sets off whatever is journaled onto it. This is a close-up of one part of a huge canvas I made a long time ago. Lines for journaling.

SoulCollage - Committee Meeting

Fascinating. I thought I'd be drawing mental blanks, trying to meet-&-greet my "committee suit" personalities (the inner family), after having done that with the archetype process. My psyche is proving to me, again and again, what a fruitful, never-ending playground it truly is.

Discovery: The SoulCollage process allows absolute freedom in identifying the personality nuances within the 'suit'. Suggestions are made in the book, but they're only suggestions. After spending a week sitting quietly outdoors, self alone with self, when I went to write down those nuances I'd discovered, I had a stampede outside my mental doors. Goodness! So below is my introductory list, scribbles & notions & glimmers ... I'm going to allow more time to pass, for refinement.

Positive
The Water Bearer (Sirena)
Sunflower - Soleil
The Poet/Scribe
Twister
something to do with a candle
The Linguist
Glitter, Balloons & Bubbles
White Fish
Zena
The Man Whisperer
Treetop Dancer
intuition - no image for that

Neutral
Prairie Girl
Rusty Truck - relics
Snapshot
The Conduit Mapper
The Mediator
The Wit ("Neener")
Blue jay with one good wing (the preener)
The Loner
Passport (the traveler)

Negative
Woe Is Me Lass
Underserving Sideliner
"Melissa" (critic)(no offense to anyone named Melissa; I chose this name at age 14; at that time, it was a name I detested, seemed very prissy and dark to me -- having used it all these years, I've elected to keep it, despite the wonderful Melissa's I've met in the intervening years)
Dark Shadows (depression)
Abandoned Child
The Condemner (shrew)
Dependent/Helpless (no image)
I'll Think About It Tomorrow
Permission Slip
Miss Congeniality

Some of these are entities I've long known about and long ago named, and who must be included: White Fish, Sirena, Melissa, and of late, Miss Congeniality. Some are sides of myself I've slowly been separating into nuances and now they'll have names or identities of a sort. Image-gathering makes more sense to me at this point, with some idea of who I'm interacting with.

SoulCollage - Soundtrack

Have been sitting quietly on the patio, amid the bursts and gusto of wind that joined me last night ... and when I reenter my studio, this is the CD I'm playing, over and again.

Two songs are stand-outs for me: Morning Dew and The Last Time I Saw Her. This CD summons some of the best elements of Led Zeppelin but has a strong individual flavor of Plant ... just good strong medicine for my inward probing.

2009 Calendar: March 27th to 29th

No prompt here, either, but had a 'summer on the rowhouse front stoop' feeling, thanks to having read two of Holly's posts, here and here.

Blog Excursion

I visited Beth's blog earlier this morning, and I've been back (so far, an hour later) 4 times. I've decided I want you all to see this post, also -- magical - you'll see!

SoulCollage - Hushing the Archetypes

Yesterday evening, my archetypes and I had that little family meeting I was looking forward to. I gathered us all out on the patio, lit a vanilla candle and put it in a hurricane vase ... and then explained my new SoulCollage journey and my need for some quiet from the 'archetype gallery'! Everything went well, except for my martyr of course, who droned, "Oh sure, all that work excavating me, naming me, dusting me off, and now I'm going back on the shelf." I told her what I always tell her, now, "Thank you for sharing that opinion," and then I moved on.

I decided to do a cleansing page, which began as a piece of mat board that I just covered in layer after layer of white paint. And then the white began to speak to me, pretty specifically. By the time I was done, I realized I had inadvertently created my Source Card, even though that wasn't on our to-do assignments yet.
The Universal source, for me, is water, which is 'beneath' me rather than overhead (skyward). I believe in the gesture of letting down the bucket into the well, the well of the Universe, the source. For this SoulCollage journey, the bucket is depicted on the right side as the 'outline' bucket (yes, it's a vase but I don't have a bucket punch!) ... it's not filled yet, at all -- that's because there is still, always, more to take in, sift, taste, pass through the sensory faculties, the experience filters. The full vase, just to the left, is where I am keeping the archetype family knowledge, so that they feel they're available for council if I should want to ask. The arm, reaching in, was the finishing and much needed touch -- to represent me, reaching in, reaching for, willing to be part of the process.

Quilled

My 'morning page', from this morning. My question when I went to bed last night was this: "Dear Universe, what perspective can I gain on the fact that when most of the others in my life, especially professionally, look at & interact with me, they persist in underestimating and diminishing me? How can I protect myself from allowing that attitude to penetrate my perceptions of myself?"

I woke up humming America's brilliant & lovely song, a longtime favorite of mine, 'A Horse With No Name' - do you remember this part of one verse:
"The ocean is a desert with its life underground
And a perfect disguise above ..."
Written by Dewey Bunnell, ©1971

My life is underground (personal), inside (private), disguised by the postures I take on most of the time, with most people, in order to walk through the professional and exterior rounds required of me. But that is NOT my reality. They are the ones being fooled, believing what they 'see'. And it leaves me free to go seek kindred souls without leaving any energy behind where it's not welcome or needed or even recognized. A page about suddenly finding myself on equal/peer footing with someone heretofore always elevated (by me), on a pedestal ... words follow Bob Dylan's "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" melody, 'Mama take this crown away from me; I don't need it anymore.' All watch/time references because this transformation has taken almost two and a half decades, and then in one exchange I passed through it to equilibrium & literally, internally, saw the crown I had placed on this individual's head float off, grow more and more distant, then disappear.

Rollin' out slowly ...

Some of these are from my written journal; a couple are in the overflow journal. Secrets of the Flesh. Paint, rubber stamp images, paper scrap and magazine text. Memory. Postcard and little square photo from my collection. Beautiful 1. Postage stamps from my collection, inked and painted page, rubber stamp word on a glassine envelope. Beautiful 2. Magazine image I found intriguing without the ad text. My pole dancer stencil/mask wore a bit thin, so I just glued 'er down on this page. Will have to cut a new one. I don't cut my own stencils often, then don't use them more than a few times, so I just cut them out of a sturdier bond paper. Once they've done their stenciling job a few times, I slap the stencil itself on a page and move on.

2009 Calendar: March 23rd to 26th

I'm finding the only way to stay with my calendar is to do an entire layout at once, and then do the writing for each day. The 'beautiful do' was one of the photos I took to the salon with me, to show how I wanted the perm to look. And it will, once the tightness of the 'new' curls relaxes a bit. Right now I'm still a mite poodle-esque!

SoulCollage Begins

I signed up to participate in an on-line group, the SoulCollage Discovery Circle, a group which will be covering the book SoulCollage: An Intuitive Collage Process for Individuals and Groups, by Seena Frost. Our hostess is Carla Kurt at Wings 4 You. Week 1 began Sunday, but I didn't have time to begin looking/reading until last night, as I was sitting in a salon chair getting my hair permed. [Anyone who is interested may sign up at any time -- there's no cost other than that of acquiring the book itself.] SoulCollage really is one word, as introduced by its creator, so I intend to honor that.

Ai yi yi, off to a tangled start. Because I was on salon chair lock-down, I could only read, and ended up finishing the first 7 chapters of the book. Then I began to stew & exhale in exasperation. You see, only about 5 weeks ago, I finished what had been a 7 month in-depth, personal, and private journey through Carolyn Myss' book and CD series, The Language of Archetypes, a journey that involved choosing a wheel of archetypes, defining them, defining their shadows, their subtleties, their branch-offs, a journey which filled 4 written-only composition books. In reading the SoulCollage chapters, I felt like -- ohmygod, it's the same thing all over again! Such similarities in the prompts, the reading material supporting the chapters, the questions, the suggested lists. "AARGGGHHHH!!!" I thought, sitting there with stinky perm solutions dripping through the cotton wrapped around my skull.

But 3 hours later, at home in the tub with candles lit and a quiet mind, again, I realized that the reason I responded to Carla's SoulCollage workshop is probably founded in the same seeker-base that led me to Carolyn Myss, and if I'm in similar surroundings, it means there is more to discover, more to learn, more to uncover and dig out. Surely I don't think I did EVERYTHING already, just because I took such care with the Archetype process? Maybe that was just my introductory phase.

Carla's opening questions had to do with asking ourselves what we want to get out of this workshop ... then we were to start going through magazines for images that we respond to. I found, instead, that I was in a mental place requiring a huge purge. I can't open myself to SoulCollage if my brain and heart are filled to capacity with 'what I think I already know' ... I don't want to just repeat what I did with the archetypes. And while I have NO intention of dismissing those lessons or my archetypal 'family', I do, now, want to ask them to please step out of the SoulCollage room, so that I can start fresh, be responsive without predetermination, and be able to listen for and HEAR the learning to be found here. I'll be having that dialogue, internally, over the course of the day here at work, and I want to take some quiet time on the patio tonight to make a more focused, thoughtful request as well.

Well, well, well ... YES!!!!!!! Arizona, take note!

Multiracial pupils to be counted in a new way
Concern over difficulty of monitoring groups that have trailed in school
By Michael Alison Chandler and Maria Glod, Washington Post

WASHINGTON - Public schools in the Washington region and elsewhere are abandoning their check-one-box approach to gathering information about race and ethnicity in an effort to develop a more accurate portrait of classrooms transformed by immigration and interracial marriage. Next year, they will begin a separate count of students who are of more than one race.

For many families in the District, Montgomery and other local counties that have felt forced to deny a part of their children's heritage, the new way of counting, mandated by the federal government, represents a long-awaited acknowledgment of their identity: Enrollment forms will allow students to identify as both white and American Indian, for example, or black and Asian. But changing labels will make it harder to monitor progress of groups that have trailed in school, including black and Hispanic students.

Racial and ethnic information, collected when children register for school, can inform school board decisions on reading programs, discipline procedures or admissions policies for gifted classes. The government looks at test scores of minority groups to help determine whether schools make the grade under the No Child Left Behind law. In an increasingly data-driven culture, educators also scrutinize such test scores and enrollment figures to pick programs meant to narrow achievement gaps and equalize academic opportunity.

Under the new policy, the count of Hispanic students is expected to grow as the non-Hispanic black and white counts diminish. Many will fall into a new group called "two or more races." In schools with diverse populations, especially in such immigrant destinations as the Washington region, there are likely to be notable demographic shifts, at least on paper. That could shake up how educational challenges are measured and reroute funding for reforms.

"This will make our whole education system look different, and nobody will know whether we are going forward or backward," said Gary Orfield, co-director of the Civil Rights Project at the University of California in Los Angeles. Along with the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and other groups, the Civil Rights Project has raised concerns about how the Education Department will handle the new data.

For decades, students have been counted in one of five racial and ethnic groups: American Indian or Alaska native; Asian or Pacific Islander; Hispanic; non-Hispanic black; or non-Hispanic white. The categories date to the 1960s and were standardized in 1977 to promote affirmative action and monitor discrimination in housing, employment, voting rights and education.

Starting in 2010, under Education Department rules approved two years ago to comply with a government-wide policy shift, parents will be able to check all boxes that apply in a two-step questionnaire with reshaped categories. First, they will indicate whether a student is of Hispanic or Latino origin, or not. (The two terms will encompass one group.) Then they will identify a student as one or more of the following: American Indian or Alaska native; Asian; black or African American; native Hawaiian or other Pacific Islander; or white.

Government urges change for all students
The change is mandatory for new students, but the government is urging schools to apply it to all. The U.S. Census reached a similar point in 2000, when 6.8 million people, or 2 percent of the population, were counted for the first time as multiracial. The share was 4 percent for people under 18.

The Montgomery County school system and others in Maryland already have begun asking families for updated racial and ethnic information.

In the Fairfax County community of Reston, Lake Anne Elementary School reflects the evolution of a country now led by a president born to a white Kansan mother and a black Kenyan father. Julian Bryant, a second-grader at Lake Anne, has a white mother and black father. Elena Castrence, also in second grade, inherited her father's Filipino traditions along with those of her white mother. And Giselle Walter, in third grade, claims Latino, Russian and Irish heritage.

"I want my kids to know they are biracial," said Julian's mother, Shelley Bryant. "We say, 'You are a mixture.' We put up his hands and say, 'See? Daddy is a little darker. Mommy is a little lighter. We took a mixture of Mommy and Daddy and made you.' "

How such students have been counted varies from place to place. Many Virginia schools have allowed parents to select "other." But in Maryland and the District, families like the Bryants until now have been forced to choose black or white.

Such choices can be difficult. Charles Guo, a senior at Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology in Fairfax County, said he feels closely connected to his Mexican-born mother because he grew up with her extended family. But he also looks like his Chinese-born father and tends to identify with Asian Americans at school.

The Fairfax school system, the region's largest, began counting multiracial students in 1994 at the urging of parents. Today, about 10,000 Fairfax students -- or 6 percent of the 169,000 -- are multiracial. The share is 14 percent at Lake Anne Elementary.

Valuable race info to be masked?
Many civil rights advocates agree that it's necessary to document the growing number of multiracial students, but they say these categories will mask valuable information about race that could be used to analyze educational challenges some groups face. They say it would be more accurate to report the data in detail, with racial and ethnic combinations.

"If we don't know that some multiracial, Hispanic and black students are doing worse," said Melissa Herman, a sociologist at Dartmouth College, "we can conveniently ignore that they are doing worse."

Education Department officials have said the new rules strike a balance, providing more details about students without creating an overly cumbersome reporting system.

The No Child Left Behind law, signed in 2002, spotlights the test scores of racial and ethnic groups. Sometimes, whether schools meet standards hangs on the performance of a few students. Relabeling students could make a difference.
The new rules will give states flexibility to use existing racial and ethnic categories for No Child Left Behind, creating a double-coding for certain students: A student could be counted as black for some purposes and Hispanic for others. But a Virginia education official said the state will use only the new racial and ethnic categories. An informal poll by the Education Department found that so far, 15 states are planning to use the new categories for No Child Left Behind; most are still deciding.

The 2005 National Assessment of Educational Progress tried out the new rules. The Civil Rights Project found that the share of Hispanic students grew significantly compared with the share under the old system and that test score averages fluctuated. In eighth-grade reading, the proficiency rate in many states rose for Hispanic and white students and dipped for black students.

‘It's hard to check one box’
As educators sort through confusion, many families look forward to making a clear statement.

Mary Ann Dawedeit, a Montgomery mother, said that for nearly two decades she has had to choose whether to identify her three sons as black, like their father, or white, like her.

"It will feel good to more accurately say what your kids are," she said. "You have to honor both parents' backgrounds. It's hard to check one box."

Meanwhile ...

... some others of my family, that being my bros Cam and Chris, and My Daddy-O, were having a grand time at the air show out at Luke Air Force Base ... My bro', Cam, My Daddy-O, and an Avenger. and My Daddy-O, [note: with camera!] and a T-33.

Wasted Weekend

Well, not wasted ... just LONG. Double BB, you see, was in an accident on Super Bowl Sunday, and his truck was totaled. We finally got ourselves mentally geared up (the most important part) and financially prepared to go find him a new/different vehicle.

You know how that goes. Ping pong ... all that useless back-&-forth of 'negotiating' ... thankfully, we have been purchasing vehicles from the same dealership, from the same guy, for two decades, so some of the b.s. and frustration is mercifully removed. Double BB has about a 15 minute attention span for b.s., particularly during NCAA tournament playoffs.

So. Bottom line. If you are in need of a vehicle, NOW IS THE TIME. Symptom of our down turned economy, and I wish no ill on any business, but it certainly did work out in our favor and now my hottie husband is tooling about in a new-to-him Silverado truck, looking good and I am restored to MY autonomous driving devices in a new-to-me Impala. [Double BB's been driving my truck, dropping me off in the mornings, and My Lovely Mother has been chauffeuring me home.]

Two cars for only slightly more than the price of one, and I was able to get way above full value on my meager trade-in.

And now it's over for, hopefully, another decade. We keep our vehicles a LOOOOONG TIME, under normal circumstances. Don't like car payments, true story.

No studio time, though. No studio time. AAARRRGGHHHHH!!! I'll be more than making up for that tonight!

Words of Art: Award Inauguration

Inaugurate: to make a formal beginning of; initiate; commence or begin; also, to introduce into public use by some formal ceremony
With the help of Beth M, at Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Taken, I have created this award -- my photo, digitally improved and caption-added, by Beth.

Beth's blog posts, initially, germinated within me the idea of an award for WRITTEN posts. Although Beth shares her gorgeous photographs, she also writes something to accompany them. From the moment I began reading her blog, I found that MOST days, something she said stayed fresh & forward in my mind, that I kept returning to the thought or idea or laugh.

Writing is something I've done since I was 2. Writing is as beautiful, rich, layered and difficult a creative art as any, as all. In Bloglandia, though, I've yet to see an award focused directly on WORDS OF ART. The writing. I wanted to put that into place.

There is no 'tagging' involved in this award. Recipients can forward the award to others, or not, as they choose, as many or few as they wish. The purpose of the award is to thank someone who has taken his or her creative energy and honed it to a written expression that moves you. I wanted to keep it a simple image, and ripe fruit is so true of ripe words!

I have a few writers of my own to thank, here, with this inaugural award post. They are:
1. Beth, who initially inspired the award.
2. Roxanne, whose posts/thoughts always follow the path directly to my core.
3. Lee, who writes so genuinely, so openly, that she inspires me to keep peeling away the artifice!
4. Holly, for being willing to crack open the hard shells, ask pointed questions, serve up deliberate and addictive BRAIN FOOD, for written sustenance of the going-deep variety.
5. Rick, for the honest musings and male life point of view that makes reading his blog so fresh!
6. Cam, for exuberance and enthusiasm, tempered with wisdom, introspection, authenticity, and reflection.
7. Sam, for exploring the wealth of richness in the legend and lore of women, for distilling the knowledge for those of us who are novices, and giving reason for a celebration of our femininity!

I celebrate you ALL with this most-deserved award, created because of you seven.

Dispatch: Zoe

Last night, Zoe got so excited when I opened the studio door for her that she actually backed all the way to the far wall of the studio, then did a running launch. Problem is, we have ceramic tile floors -- so once she got up to top speed, she started sliding, and pretty soon it was the four-legged saucer spin -- complete circles with all four legs doing in different directions.

I've never seen such a surprised cat in my life -- had to share. This was the high point of last night's entertainment.

Runaway Backgrounds!

I'm still on a mission to use the goodies I have. I go 'shopping' in a treasure drawer or box that I've created, where I've placed special and different ephemera, embellishments, papers. Every so often, I rotate the contents. It really DOES feel like walking through the aisles of Joann's or Michael's, digging through them. I'm writing so much I can't keep up with my current journal backgrounds ... happens. Ah. Mmmm. Yesssss. This image from the cover of the latest Newport News catalog. Her name would be TONI (aka Sirena). This is behind the Pier Girl flap. I found some vinyl patterned place mats at the 99-cent store, and used one of them for stenciling on this page. Heidi Swapp bird mask. Pole dancer stencil. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who could resist? Not I, not I!

Background Boogie

This is an overflow composition book -- when I'm working in my own journal, I use the extra images, paint, 'stuff' in this one, rather than waste it or toss it or put it all away.
Arabic writing flap lifts for journaling. Green/purple flowered piece pulls out for journaling. Little grid tag opens. Specimen flap lifts, and X= Y= page opens, for journaling.
Sailor girl flap lifts for journaling under. Papered, too, on the back for even more journaling.

Good Day, Sunshine!

It's a new, & wonderful, day in the neighborhood ... 2 hours of non-stop journal background creation last night (soon to be posted), followed by 2 hours of self-deejayed dance mania in my studio, 4 Bud Lights down the hatch over that entire duration of time, a long hot shower, & a strong deep sleep.

I'm BAAAACK!!! I caught everyone's karma & hugs (& alcoholic offerings!) & played all musical requests/suggestions when I boogied! I can't say YOU would've laughed, watching me dance, because as it happens I'm pretty fierce when it comes to shaking my groove thing. But I laughed, & Zoe laughed, I grinned, blew kisses, signed imaginary autographs, gave soundbite interviews, waved to fans and the TV cameras ... no, not really. I just danced and danced & sipped my beer & put on the next jam and danced and grinned. Good therapy!! Especially after all of YOU, sharing the love. Yesterday was a bad one, so I really appreciate it! March 16th to 19th: Prompt was to use a stencil ... so I did some various leaves, then stayed with that theme 'new leaves' ... that photo of me (age 24) is one of my favorites because it looks, it actually LOOKS, like I have boobage. March 20th to 22nd: Page layout finished and ready for journaling - I've got a lot on my plate this weekend, so wanted to get ahead on the background. The little figures were drawn for me by my young friend, Florencia (my love, Ciera's BFF, at least when they're together) -- they set the tone for this entire layout - no prompt used here. Note: I covered this page in 2 layers of black acrylic, THEN I laid down the metallic green/blue color. Lesson learned: that metallic 'Halo' paint by Jacquard/Lumiere changes personality depending on the color it's laid over. I smell further experimentation forthcoming in Toni's Art Lab ...

I NEED ...

I'm saying it.
I need ...
I need ________________.
For someone I trust to ask me if I'm ok.
For someone I trust to LISTEN to the answer.
A hug.
To be validated.
For someone (everyone) to recognize I'm not a pillar of strength, but a woman with fragility and vulnerability and an end, also, to MY rope and stamina.
Another hug.
To have the Here-Ya-Go Stress/Problem faucet redirected or just plain shut off for, oh, I dunno, 24 hours?
Romance that I don't initiate.
The dishes to be done when I get home, for a change.
A night out where I'm NOT the designated driver.
To dance to some good R&B with 3 or 4 beers in my system, really busta move, get into myself and my own need to break out & off this relentless tension.

To cry and cry and cry and cry and cry ...

Security: Analysis

An internal investigation of security, what represents it to me and why, then a 'wounded' image of the same thing and why/how that security could be or has been an illusion. I did the background on Tuesday and the writing later that night, but this captures a lot of what I feel as a result of Natasha Richardson's sudden, shocking death (& numerous others).

writing says:
strong image:"Not the size, not the grandeur of facade or furnishings, but the existing of a "my space" place. As a nest, as a haven for dropping my 'out there' postures & play-nice politics ... I need the security of such a place as balance, a grounding & launching pad (both) for my emotionally, intellectually, spiritually & artistically nomadic soul. Mental journeys sometimes create a stress & disorientation level every bit as real as those physical. Jet lag takes the form of habit bumping reluctantly along behind the awareness & pursuit of change, like overweight baggage. For me, the assimilation of my processes takes place during my down time away from the journal & studio -- while mopping, folding clothes, washing dishes, taking out trash, purging closets, cleaning the litter box. Basic & necessary physical tasks that occupy one part of my mind but leave another to its own pondering devices. This is when I have the most AHA moments. This is also why I have paper & pens in every room of the house, like some people have TVs or boxes of tissue. routine chores also replenish my muse, give her time to nap & go window-shopping & blow bubbles. wounded image:
I've moved so many times in my life that I hold no more illusions about the permanency of anything. Or anyone. Everything & everyone is on its own tidal path -- here now, so now is the time to be grateful, be aware, take full note, be in the present. People get laid off, move away, withdraw; jobs can't be relied on; money is a whole other illusion' homes, cars, clothes, stuff -- those are truly only things & maybe I'm lucky to have them now. But I don't consider them 'mine.' & no person is, no people are, 'mine.' No ownership, just gifts delivered to me. I would rather, always, lose all the things (big & small) & retain the people. If I lived on the street, this wounded house would look good to me. It's all in my perspective!

Deeply Felt Loss

Natasha Richardson [1963 - 2009]