Wednesday, May 13, 2009

It's a Thin Line Between Commitment & Quitting (or is it?)

Journal Entry, 4:15 a.m., Wednesday May 13, 2009.

Bobfather is 51 today. I'm 48 in July. You see I'm up, restless, stressed ... writing by flashlight on my patio roost. No birds, too early even for them. I'm stressed cuz I don't want to go in my studio anymore. I don't want to go in there because it's cluttered and dirty and crowded and uninviting right now. I don't want to go in there because I'm spending all kinds of time on projects I no longer care about -- tried them, gave the trial 1,000% per usual, but just not feeling the love anymore.

Specifically: I don't want to do the personal Calendar thing anymore. It's morphed from something that was teaching me and become something I 'have' to do. Which subtracts from the projects I'm still learning from and WANT to do [most notably SoulCollage], and also from the commissions/commitments I've been so-far ignoring but need to get STARTED! One of those really needs to be ready to travel in my suitcase to England when I go, as it's for one of the dear ones we'll be visiting over there. But some of the women in the Calendar group have become important to me and also sources of art inspiration, so I don't want to NOT be part of the group. Am going to work that out in my head ... just ask, Toni, 'Hey, can I be a lurker and commenter cuz I love you all but I just don't have the same calendar love to continue in my own ...' And here's why: Because I journal so diligently, every day, then everything I say in my calendar is redundant, summarizing what I've already written in my journal ... so I love the art I do on the backgrounds but I'd rather just put it directly in my journal and only do the writing ONCE.

Oy vey.

And SoulCollage? I am SO into it, me-myself-personally. But the more I read, meditate, discover, the more I realize I feel as protective and private about it as I did the Archetype journey I went on. But I'm inspired by what I do see from others on/in the SoulCollage group. SoulCollage is turning out to be more writing from me than anything else, which is exactly what happened with the archetypes -- I mean, there is SO MUCH LEARNING ... from all this inward exploration, the 8 million questions each section or card summons. I'm still looking at the cards I made for the initial group and they are still having crazy-good dialogues with me and each other -- I don't want to move on yet. Carla (our hostess at the SoulCollage group) has assured us (& me) repeatedly that this is an individual process, no demands, no time limits or time lines, so why do I still feel pressure? I guess it's pressure to participate by way of comment or posting of cards ... all self-inflicted. I HEREBY GRANT MYSELF PERMISSION TO STOP IT!!! I'm obligating myself to vapor -- not necessary, let it go!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

I want to change my priorities to these, starting NOW:
a) finish Holly's book (only 2 layouts to go - I'm seriously gonna cry when it's done)
b) finish prepping my travel journal for England
c) Layer Love class begins May 18th ...
d) finish reading this enormously GREAT Beatrix Potter bio My Lovely Mother gave me
e) have time/energy/passion/enthusiasm for my youngest male child's high school graduation & celebrations, and also for his try-outs for various college teams

I want to make this transition without GUILT (where DOES that shite come from!). Just do it, cuz I say so, I say, 'This is what Toni needs to be and wants to be doing now. Period. True story.'

And when I get BACK from England, I'm turning over some other new leaves, too, most notably in the overhaul of my studio!


How many of you go through dialogues like this in your heads and hearts about the projects you're working on and involved with, the things you loved for a time but no longer do, the balance between commitment and quitting, all of that?


lee said...

Hey Toni, give your self permission to quit, and just live your life, and do what you want to do. I decided I am going to do that, because I dont like to feel pressure, I am not good under pressure and do not create in an atmosphere like that. I am looking forward to Julies class and so glad that you are in it. At our own pace. I was way behind in Mary Ann's class but it did not bother me because it was at your own pace. When is this trip. And yes I thought about LuLu Last night, great minds thing alike, I am going back to her. We all need some kind of signature that we identify with and its me with her. I love your blog keep up the great work.

beth said...

oh sweetie...been there done that !!!

and I'm still doing it....even right now with a project and a huge auction that I'm part of tomorrow and I just said to my daughter...."what was I thinking signing up for this?"

the studio will get cleaned and question there, but for now, add to your list...

and everything else will end just how you want it !!!

Peaches said...

Don't think of it as quitting. You are just ready to put it down, let it go, because you got what you needed and now it’s time to move forward.

Cam@Journey Wildly said...

I think we embrace things and they serve their purpose.

When you tire, or become burdened by them, or even uninspired by your work, but inspired by friends you've made, it has served its purpose! You've made some great friends!

Do it if it makes you happy. You got so much other stuff going on, you don't need extra things to do!

Cam@Journey Wildly said...

Sorry, just read Peaches comment...

and my comment is basically a

"Yeah! What she said!"



Samantha said...

Yeah, I do get that at the moment. The balance between commitment & quitting. It's affecting numerous areas of my life. Must be something in the air, hey? I feel like quitting my blog; I feel like quitting my healing practice; I feel like quitting England. Just don't tell anyone I said so.

But Peaches comment is so wise and lovely. It's not necessarily quitting ~ perhaps it's your Soul opening up a space for something else new and wonderful to come in? I sure do hope so. Otherwise I'm a big fat quitter too ~ hee hee!

Big love & blessings, baby.

cinner said...

Toni, it's okay to quit something, especially if you are having any stress about it. Peaches comment is perfect! guilt you have nothing to feel quilty about. Making changes and doing something new are major accomplishments....and maybe just maybe some days are okay to take a bubble bath, sip wine and have a good cry.When I got sick, I waited for the old me to show to speak....I came back, just different than how I was's challenging but it is better. My advise would be this. If I knew then that I would slow down, I woulda partied harder,danced more, relaxed more, and not given a darn about anything as always things work out as it is meant to....Oh I am rambling, tired again. Just keep being you. Love from Chuck. LOL

Mel said...

sorta late chiming in but...

Society has assigned a negative connotation to the word "quit". We're trained from childhood to 'see things through', we're told that 'we started it, so we have to finish it', and the ultimate shame is "being a quitter".

I happen to think this line of thinking is a load of horse crap. WHY do we need to finish? If it no longer brings us Joy, then WHY? Is there something wrong with trying something, and if we don't like it, then leaving it and moving on? How many of us have NOT tried something, just because we're afraid we might not finish it and then (GASP!) we would be a quitter?!?! How much have we missed out on?

So I second and third the thoughts to just move on, you evidently have gathered what you needed from the project and it has served its purpose...celebrate THAT and leave the quitter talk to the boring people...

~brightest blessings~

amy said...

I have that internal dialogue as well and just figure I should give up. There's something inside that doesn't let me do that. Little breaks are good and healthy. I love your work and it's very inspiring to me so thanks! Soul Collage has interested me for awhile but I haven't found a workshop i can afford. They also do teacher cert. but I don't know if that would pay off.