It's a Thin Line Between Commitment & Quitting (or is it?)

Journal Entry, 4:15 a.m., Wednesday May 13, 2009.

Bobfather is 51 today. I'm 48 in July. You see I'm up, restless, stressed ... writing by flashlight on my patio roost. No birds, too early even for them. I'm stressed cuz I don't want to go in my studio anymore. I don't want to go in there because it's cluttered and dirty and crowded and uninviting right now. I don't want to go in there because I'm spending all kinds of time on projects I no longer care about -- tried them, gave the trial 1,000% per usual, but just not feeling the love anymore.

Specifically: I don't want to do the personal Calendar thing anymore. It's morphed from something that was teaching me and become something I 'have' to do. Which subtracts from the projects I'm still learning from and WANT to do [most notably SoulCollage], and also from the commissions/commitments I've been so-far ignoring but need to get STARTED! One of those really needs to be ready to travel in my suitcase to England when I go, as it's for one of the dear ones we'll be visiting over there. But some of the women in the Calendar group have become important to me and also sources of art inspiration, so I don't want to NOT be part of the group. Am going to work that out in my head ... just ask, Toni, 'Hey, can I be a lurker and commenter cuz I love you all but I just don't have the same calendar love to continue in my own ...' And here's why: Because I journal so diligently, every day, then everything I say in my calendar is redundant, summarizing what I've already written in my journal ... so I love the art I do on the backgrounds but I'd rather just put it directly in my journal and only do the writing ONCE.

Oy vey.

And SoulCollage? I am SO into it, me-myself-personally. But the more I read, meditate, discover, the more I realize I feel as protective and private about it as I did the Archetype journey I went on. But I'm inspired by what I do see from others on/in the SoulCollage group. SoulCollage is turning out to be more writing from me than anything else, which is exactly what happened with the archetypes -- I mean, there is SO MUCH LEARNING ... from all this inward exploration, the 8 million questions each section or card summons. I'm still looking at the cards I made for the initial group and they are still having crazy-good dialogues with me and each other -- I don't want to move on yet. Carla (our hostess at the SoulCollage group) has assured us (& me) repeatedly that this is an individual process, no demands, no time limits or time lines, so why do I still feel pressure? I guess it's pressure to participate by way of comment or posting of cards ... all self-inflicted. I HEREBY GRANT MYSELF PERMISSION TO STOP IT!!! I'm obligating myself to vapor -- not necessary, let it go!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

I want to change my priorities to these, starting NOW:
a) finish Holly's book (only 2 layouts to go - I'm seriously gonna cry when it's done)
b) finish prepping my travel journal for England
c) Layer Love class begins May 18th ...
d) finish reading this enormously GREAT Beatrix Potter bio My Lovely Mother gave me
e) have time/energy/passion/enthusiasm for my youngest male child's high school graduation & celebrations, and also for his try-outs for various college teams

I want to make this transition without GUILT (where DOES that shite come from!). Just do it, cuz I say so, I say, 'This is what Toni needs to be and wants to be doing now. Period. True story.'

And when I get BACK from England, I'm turning over some other new leaves, too, most notably in the overhaul of my studio!

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How many of you go through dialogues like this in your heads and hearts about the projects you're working on and involved with, the things you loved for a time but no longer do, the balance between commitment and quitting, all of that?