Thursday, October 16, 2008

Teenage Mutant Ninja Shopper

Procedure as outlined/performed by my youngest male child.
1. Offer to wash/detail Lovely Grandmother's car in exchange for cool-weather shopping expedition.

2. Arrange with Mom to pick up Self and Lovely Grandmother at 4:15. Tell Mom that Self will be ready, just honk. Leave Mom to sit in vehicle for 15 minutes after honking while perfecting Shopping Expedition Attire. Note: Attire must be 'sick' enough to pass muster if self encounters SICK teenage female(s) in store(s), but not too bulky too disallow trying on clothing right beside the display, as Self Does Not Do Dressing Rooms.

3. Arrive at store. Dispatch Lovely Grandmother to housewares, attempt to shed presence of Mom (attempt foiled) for duration of walk past Junior's Department en route to Men's Department in order to effect scanning for SICK teenage female(s).

4. Arrive at folded long-sleeved t-shirt displays (Henleys and such). Squat to search lower shelves for XL and XXL sizes. Yank one of each, stand, pull over head for size check. Ask Mom if shirt is 'above butt' in the back - recurring issue with such shirts being longer in front and revealing butt in back. Not acceptable. Consider Mom's argument that SICK teenage female(s) might like the opportunity to view said butt. Disregard. Continue yanking over head of various sizes until satisfied with fit. Roll tried-on shirts into cotton sausages and plunk somewhere in vicinity of folded t-shirt display. Select colors in appropriate size in still-perfectly-folded condition and hand off to Mom. Move on.

5. Arrive at folded long-sleeved flannel shirt display. Greet Lovely Grandmother who has emerged from housewares to help Self shop. Repeat squat to lower shelves for larger size hunt. Find required size but in UNDESIRED color. Stand and proceed to pull out pins, plastic collar stiffs, and cardboard inserts. Hold shirt up to light and pat down in case of errant pin. Pull button down shirt over head without unbuttoning. Model for Mom.
a. If Mom likes, immediately go to full length mirror and evaluate.
b. If Mom doesn't like, find desired color in required size, still pinned, collared and cardboarded, and hand to Mom.
c. Repeat rolling technique of tried-on shirt, flannel sausage this time.

Editor's Note: My male children will NOT purchase any of the articles of clothing they try on. They must buy the pristine, still folded, creased, packaged, perfect version. This usually requires them to try on the size they prefer in the colors they hate, since normally there tends to be only ONE of the right size (neatly folded) in the colors they want.

6. Arrive at hanging sweatshirt displays. Explain to Lovely Grandmother basic requirements of 'sick' sweatshirt. Crack grin in spite of Self at Lovely Grandmother's eruption into giggles at said description. Try to be cool when, moments later, Lovely Grandmother, still giggling, scores exact sick sweatshirt desired. Hand sick sweatshirt to Mom.

7. Follow Lovely Grandmother to boxers/undershirts/socks displays. Lovely Grandmother considers NO shopping expedition complete without querying re: status of Self's need for the above. Indulge Lovely Grandmother by handing her 2 packs of black socks. Rip open 3-pack of medium white undershirts; pull off outer T-shirt on body, accidentally lifting undershirt on body and revealing chest in process. Grin, say, 'Oh no, my boobs.' Grin more widely as Lovely Grandmother and Mom erupt in giggles. Yank undershirt over head. Pronounce fit perfect. Yank back off. Roll undershirt into cotton sausage and stuff into ripped-open package. Smoosh, smash, and/or crush ripped-open package 25 times in flattening attempt, then give up and stuff package in back of undershirt shelf. Find two unopened packages of same size undershirts. Hand to Mom.

8. Follow Lovely Grandmother and Mom to cashier. As transaction commences, slowly back away, as if to examine jeans on display just behind, then disappear for last sweep of store in case of arrival of SICK teenage female(s). Manage to be gone long enough for Lovely Grandmother and Mom to pay and haul shopping expedition bags to vehicle. Saunter to vehicle. Hug Lovely Grandmother.

9. The End.

[Final Editor's Note: No photos accompany this post, alas. Editor was thoroughly searched prior to departure to ensure no presence of MuthaCam.]


lee said...

I had a good laugh at your shopping experience. I have a daughter who is 20 now. But shopping with her when she was younger was torture. so I am so glad I do not have to do it anymore. Thanks for all the nice comments you have made on my blog, I really do appreciate them.