Friday, July 18, 2008

Behind the Pretty Pictures

I'm bored with journal backgrounds.
Truth is, what gets written on them doesn't always match the images, mood, colors.
Today, in fact, I wrote about making a hairbrained banking mistake that ended up costing me $400 in insufficient funds fees. FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS. I forgot about a monthly automatic withdrawal for my truck payment. That withdrawal hit at the same time my other myriad paid bills hit. $400 later ...
So I barely made it out of the office (after one of my usual HORRID Fridays) and into my truck before I was sobbing.
Four hundred dollars. You know, basically vaporized, because I had a blond moment.
As if I ever have enough money for groceries as it is.
Why is it that when I'm the most angry at myself, I suddenly find myself hating everything and everyone else -- in particular, right now, anyone with money, ANY money, of ANY kind, that isn't measured to the second digit to the right of the decimal point every waking moment of every waking hour. I'm viewing my checking account 12 times a day, just to make sure, make sure, the money is stretching far enough.
Then there's the newly-turned 47 year old 'woman' having to ask her Lovely Mother for assistance to cover said $400 (being as I don't have it, anywhere, not even up my butt), assistance which was kindly and immediately given. But let me just add $400 to the I.O.U. I had almost entirely, diligently, with exceeding effort, paid back. I'm still paying Mom back for one of the lab fees from my oldest male child's accident a year ago, but that's another story. [And before anyone asks why isn't HE paying it, it's because he has about $5,000 in other bills the insurance didn't pay that he's taking care of. Personally, I'm happy enough to have him alive & coherent that one lousy lab bill seemed like the least I could do to show my appreciation.] My point is that, at my age, it's more than a little excruciating to turn to Mommy (or anyone else) to get bailed out, and it's months (now) of continued eking payments out of non-existent monies to pay her back. Because I WILL pay her back.

I bawled all the way home. I came in the door, went directly to the bathroom to change clothes, bawling. I walked back to my studio (past my youngest male child at the computer in our back room) to retrieve my diet coke and journal, bawling, scaring both said child and my cat. I told my son what happened, bawling, and went to sit outside. Bawled. Opened my journal then dropped my face into my hands and bawled full force. Kept bawling but decided to try to write. Wrote the "F" word at least 25 times, in dark black ink, but the bawling then started to subside. Today's journal background happens to be one of lacy flowers and beautiful girly happy images. So much for that.

I was tired of pretty pictures. Felt like my blog was becoming ... stale, superficial. Decided to share what goes on behind the scenes. Four hundred dollars. Four. Zero. Zero. No groceries this week, or probably next. Gas? who knows, have half a tank right now. Lunches? I hope we've got eggs cuz I can make egg salad last an eternity and never get tired of eating it.

NO. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm angry. I'm frustrated at this feeling, AGAIN, that every time I start to loosen the financial choke chain, some stoopid shite happens and I'm back being throttled again. There is NO such thing as 'free money' in our situation, here. And I'm so disgusted with, frustrated by, the stupidity of my mistake that I don't even know how I'm going to tell Double BB. THAT is the worst part.


Beth said...

oh my gosh....I wish I could say somthing to make you feel better but I'm not sure what that would be right now.

you might as well put me on that hate list, as I've had to be in the postion you are in....we've been very lucky that way.

but I do know that you will get through this...even as hard as it is right now.

email me your home address...I need to send you some loving !!!

Beth said...

now let me fix my typos...geez, it must be the weekend !!!

somthing should be something...duh !

hate list part....I've NEVER had to be in the position....

Lisa said...

You really need to call your bank. If you've never had this problem before, or at least not to this extent, they may be able to credit back some of those fees. I did it with my bank once and the took a couple overdraft fees and credited them back to my acct. I was told I had 1 good faith overdrawn credit with the acct.

Sorry about your troubles. Believe me when I say we've all been there. At least you have a loving parent willing to spot you!

Teresa K. said...

Oh Toni, doesn't that just SUCK! (I hate that phrase- but sometimes it works!)

Thank goodness your mother was there for you - but you're right, it just feels icky even asking.

And aren't hardworking women supposed to just have enough money (because that's why we work) to pay for the car, the rent, the food, the everything. I'm sorry - it will get better, but it's too bad you have to deal with it at all!

twinsand2boys said...

I can relate...I think, no, I know I would be bawling if that had happened to me. Glad your mother was able to help you out.
Also noticed that in a later post you were able to get fees reversed...that had to be such a great relief!