Wednesday, September 17, 2008

... & doesn't truth always follow resistance?

Mentally, many many days, this is what it looks like as I approach the door to my studio. Even though I love my studio, even though Zoe awaits me, and all those delicious supplies ... it's still lonely. Yes I can focus. Yes the music is always exactly what I want to hear. But the only other voices are those in my head. I don't want to resort to an imaginary friend.

And I don't want to hold my own hand all the time.

Art takes energy, effort, community, courage, stamina, concentration, playfulness, enthusiasm, start-the-list-over. How can anyone do it alone, let alone always?

Isolationista, my a**!

I've always experienced the MOST resistance when it comes to what I really really want and somehow believe I can't have, am not allowed, not worthy of. And then?

BEWARE THE BLUSTER!!!! But like any storm, it has to gather, grimace & groan & growl, then finally, expended, grovel at the knees of awareness, rinsed & revealed by the furious flow ...

... leaving me where I began, it seems,

knowing what is (facts)
and what also is (my personal fictions)
and what also STILL is --

I'm sitting, somewhere, alone.

[all photos from the A/W 2008 House&Home Toast catalog]


Stephanie said...

I agree....I have found the community here, on the blog, as a very powerful tool and support vehicle.

T. Kaiser said...

I am an isolationists and I always want more time alone than I ever get. But the phrase about the most resistance accompanying the things you most want, and the whole concept of "personal fictions," Wow. Why do we feel the most internal resistance, and turmoil over the things that we beleive are the most important? Is it because of our devotion to our "personal fictions" that convince us that the things we most desire will always be unattainable. I'm going to go spend some time (alone - I hope) trying to focus on my personal fictions and replace them with powerful personal truths.