Sunday, August 16, 2009

Going Out Honestly

I've been at The Ranch with my bros (all three of 'em) and my Ciera Beara and My Lovely Mother since Friday evening, which is why I was able to post yesterday, and again now.

I read all the comments and I feel humble and also ashamed. I pretty much lied a lot (to myself, to you) in my farewell post. The truth is that I feel embarrassed to say that hell no, I wouldn't stop blogging totally if I had the money to run right out and replace my laptop. This (bloglandia) is where my only friendships exist outside of my mom, my family. It's taken me all my lifetime to feel a part of something I always wanted: A GROUP OF DIVERSE, CREATIVE, INSPIRING WOMEN ... and not only that, but a group of women who enjoy ME as much as I enjoy them.

Then my laptop takes a shite and I get drop-kicked out of my soul community. I can barely stand it. It's like all the times my Dad moved us, just when I'd finally settled into some friendships and a sense of belonging. I'm heartbroken. I'm in dire financial straits. I'm completely shamed by that and didn't want to say it out loud because I'm not looking for sympathy or rescue but had hoped to be in different circumstances by this time in my life.

And I just emailed Holly that the biggest blow of all, out of this, is that I've been quietly maneuvering myself toward actualizing my own dream, at the encouragement of so so many of you, to 'write a novel'. Only it was going to be a new blog called The Weight of Me, to be a home to my creative writing: poetry, prose, thoughtflows, journal entries, in my very own unique TRUE style ...

so I can't honestly accept the 'hero' kudos because they aren't deserved, although I intended to back off Seaweed and Gardenias and edge over to The Weight of Me much much more ... but I do accept the love and wanted to return it by telling the true story -- how I feel about this, how much it feels like an amputation, how damn angry I am, how afraid I am of becoming, for the umpteenth time in my life, The Outsider. Again. Of being forgotten because I've had to forcibly move on.

Thank you to all of you for what you've said, in comments and privately. I will definitely be in touch via email.

18 comments:

Samantha said...

something in the air
shame
discontent .... mmmm

keep moving forward. you are sure to be going in the right direction.

have courage. you will not be losing any of us.

xxx

Holly said...

We won't be going anywhere...because those who are in relationship may move about in time and space, but never the heart.

Hey, is there anyone who has an old computer that we can give to Toni so that she can use it? Toni, if someone has it, could you afford the shipping to get it to you?

Mel said...

I, for one, will be stuck to you like...ummmm...stuff to a blanket...:)

A writing blog?!?! Oh my effing G, woman!! You just made me grin the biggest grin...

You're still my hero....*insert raspberry here*

~peace~

beth said...

your honesty amazes me !

your disappearing makes me sad !

write write write....and save it all and bring it to us when you can....would that work ?

oh girl...I just want to hug you !

cinner said...

Me too, I just felt sad yesterday, but toni I understand. I am excited for you to be writing and when it is right you will come back or you know your girls we might just showup for that swimming party we planned for someday. Big Hug. I will never forget you. Trust me on that...i am practise visualization...she will be back, she will be back..............forward is a good place to go for now.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear - woe is you - have you opened your eyes and looked at what is going on in this big wide world?
So your father moved you around alot - what's so bad about that? Some kids are brought up with no father. And much worse.
You are obviously expecting someone to say oh poor girl let's give her a computer, the poor destitute woman can't afford one. Yeah right. Count me out - pity goes to where it's deserved, not to someone bleating about how they can't afford a laptop.
What will you want next - a food parcel?

Toni said...

My Dear Anonymous -- my goodness but you are predictable - I knew you were lurking and waiting for a chance to try to smack me back. I said what I felt about your comment to Beth -- didn't like that, didya? Dear person, if I wanted anyone to buy me a computer, I would say, 'PLEASE BUY ME A COMPUTER' cuz I'm not a coward hiding in the blog bushes like you are. And I would say, 'PLEASE JOIN ME IN MY PITY PART, WAH WAH WAH' ... cuz I know who I am; I know what I feel; and best of all, I know who loves me. You like to attempt to spread toxic waste ... how sad your life must be, how devastated your soul. I think you mainly want to be a part of us, to have a place in this, and don't feel you deserve it so you attack it. Or I could be wrong and you're really just a twisted sick bitch. I'm happy you have received a bit of air time over here ... that'll keep you going for a while, right?

Toni said...

Dear Anonymous:

I hope sincerely that you come back to read this, because I owe you an apology. I treated you without dignity, on Beth's blog and just now on my own. This message just came to me and while you may not believe, you will probably scoff, I DO believe in the Universe, in synchronicity, in timing: "If you could actually stand in someone else's shoes, Toni, to hear what they hear, see what they see, and feel what they feel, you would honestly wonder what planet they live on, and be totally blown away by how different their "reality" is from yours.

You'd also never, in a million years, be quick to judge again.

Just sayin'
The Universe"

I don't want to speculate about you, about your visit here, or to Beth, about the motives for or content of your comments. I think if you wanted us, or anyone, to know, you would say. Still there must be motive, reason, and if I don't perhaps appreciate your delivery, I don't want to be a snotty hotshot comeback bitch. I don't. And that's exactly what I've done here, and on Beth's blog. And quite frankly, if I WERE to ask for anything, it WOULD be a food parcel; laptops are a ridiculous concern when money is tight for groceries.

I want to ask you: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? really.

Mel said...

Toni, you are an amazing woman. Can I just say that?

I'm not sure what the pay-off for this Anonymous-character is to come around and drop shit-bombs on people's blogs, but I'm quite sure it's a cry for help....

I have a hard time believing anyone is truly that horrible...

In Love and Light to you, Dear Anonymous...may you find your way to peace...

and a big smackeroo to you, Toni...
You are ON FIRE!!

xo

Vale said...

Toni, Mel...
I think this "Anonymous" completely missed the point of your post here. He/she is way off the mark, way way off...and why be anonymous to begin with? Hmmm...
Mel, I agree with what you said completely.
Looks to me like there's a tight circle of genuinely good people who care deeply about this special soul called Toni.
I'm here Tones, whenever! Warm hugs, and out into the universe go positive vibes for you, Vale :)
PS: Write like a demon! Can't wait to read what your soul speaks!

Deldino said...

I can't wait to see your new blog. wishing you all that you wish for.

mansuetude said...

good luck with the writing only blog... i am always thinking a writing blog is visual too.

alatestarter said...

I'm gutted not to be able to look at your lovely artwork, but I do feel you have a tremendous talent (remember those yellow daffodils we talked about) which deserves more than blogging..... As a late starter to the writing business I can guarantee you an interesting journey (though perhaps not highly lucrative!) and you will become the person you were meant to be!

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