Security: Analysis

An internal investigation of security, what represents it to me and why, then a 'wounded' image of the same thing and why/how that security could be or has been an illusion. I did the background on Tuesday and the writing later that night, but this captures a lot of what I feel as a result of Natasha Richardson's sudden, shocking death (& numerous others).

writing says:
strong image:"Not the size, not the grandeur of facade or furnishings, but the existing of a "my space" place. As a nest, as a haven for dropping my 'out there' postures & play-nice politics ... I need the security of such a place as balance, a grounding & launching pad (both) for my emotionally, intellectually, spiritually & artistically nomadic soul. Mental journeys sometimes create a stress & disorientation level every bit as real as those physical. Jet lag takes the form of habit bumping reluctantly along behind the awareness & pursuit of change, like overweight baggage. For me, the assimilation of my processes takes place during my down time away from the journal & studio -- while mopping, folding clothes, washing dishes, taking out trash, purging closets, cleaning the litter box. Basic & necessary physical tasks that occupy one part of my mind but leave another to its own pondering devices. This is when I have the most AHA moments. This is also why I have paper & pens in every room of the house, like some people have TVs or boxes of tissue. routine chores also replenish my muse, give her time to nap & go window-shopping & blow bubbles. wounded image:
I've moved so many times in my life that I hold no more illusions about the permanency of anything. Or anyone. Everything & everyone is on its own tidal path -- here now, so now is the time to be grateful, be aware, take full note, be in the present. People get laid off, move away, withdraw; jobs can't be relied on; money is a whole other illusion' homes, cars, clothes, stuff -- those are truly only things & maybe I'm lucky to have them now. But I don't consider them 'mine.' & no person is, no people are, 'mine.' No ownership, just gifts delivered to me. I would rather, always, lose all the things (big & small) & retain the people. If I lived on the street, this wounded house would look good to me. It's all in my perspective!

Visual Journaling Self-Prompt Process, & Bird Symbology

This is an exercise I thought would show you how easy it is to change the mood of the page JUST by virtue of the focal image you choose. Identical backgrounds here, but a completely different sensation when you look at them, right? That's the magic of visual journaling -- the power of the images and their influence, and how you can use them to draw up your inner workings. I do this SO OFTEN, on a smaller scale (like on the same page in my written journal, side-by-side), to do a visual working of a pro/con situation, or something I have to make a choice about but feel very middle-of-the-road with. Very powerful tool for me. Hysteria. " 'Strike a pose.' No thank you. No posturing, no external bluff & bravado I can't back up inwardly. I like knowing, now, how much to reveal, or not -- the self (seen) so much closer to the self (felt). Now I recognize the trouble tangents and can lead myself mostly away from them -- because I know them for what they are, & I know who I am (or at least who I want to be). I don't any longer need to travel every road, follow every impulse -- I wait instead for the substance, the promise of learning & positive change. Thrills? Oh, always welcome, but not the twisted, tangled, headache-later variety. I want those that help me across the difficult thresholds my growth requires. I want the later reinforcement & internal tables turned & knowledge increased. The more I know, the more I can give BACK, pay FORward, SHARE! A gift, not to be only a taker, a receiver. Instead of challenging life, I challenge myself, & life answers, life fills my heart's knapsack with a true essence: ME. Balance. "Maturity is a blending tool -- a mix of experience & perspective with just the right amount of ongoing dreams & goals. What I know & understand about myself, now, has all been hard-won. I value it enormously & consider it an overriding beauty feature of my singular OWN. My humor & intuitive astuteness is well worth the stretch marks and loosening skin. My listening (& discerning) ability much preferred over fine lines around my eyes. My intellect & creativity far outweighing the frustrations of menopause. BALANCE. 47 years of myself on the roasting spit of life -- the seasoning makes me tender, well-turned, succulent, and to-be-hungered for, especially by ME. To be at peace in my own company, to be confident most of the time, to see where I may need to apply the flame for better self-preparation & to turn TO it, instead of dodging it -- welcoming the adjusting, the changes, the slow, but sure, refinement. Maturity hones the inner self, the truest indicator of my beauty. I've been doing a lot of writing about my attachment to birds as a personal symbol. Finally, this page emerged, with the most succinct explanation. It reads: "Although, ultimately, I am a mermaid, I have finally realized that on earth, I am a bird. With legs, but still not actually grounded. This is why birds are such a symbol for my soul. I am still soaring, through air currents instead of the tides of waters, still tasting all the flavors of the collective world, still freely moving."

Catch & Release

Multiple prompt action going on here ... started myself with a background color I don't much like, then marks in another color I don't much like, then a focal image that made me feel edgy & uncomfortable. My original idea was wanting to write down my fears at this point in my art-making journey, and I wanted a page that reflected that. Anyway, I wrote them on strips of equally indifferent, rather ugly paper and created the grid to 'pin down' the icky focal image.

My fear strips say:
I'm afraid of being unoriginal.
I'm afraid of always being just a copy-cat.
I'm afraid of looking stupid.
I'm afraid my 'voice' is too strong!
I'm afraid of judging myself too harshly.
I'm afraid of revealing things about myself that even I'm not ready to see.
I'm afraid of making dishonest art to hide behind.
I'm afraid my family will never be interested in my art.

I'm curious to know what some of your fear strips might say.

I used 2 birds die cut from an old French textbook to overlay on the fear images/words, because the birds are a personal symbol for me, rich with sensations of freedom and ability and play. I chose the French textbook because I know a different, bolder ME comes out when I speak French, or read it. At the bottom is a phrase, on PRETTY paper, that is me giving myself permission to make art in spite of fear. That strip says, "I gave her my ticket and passport." What could possibly be more perfect?

Self Prompts (Continuing in the Kelly Kilmer Tradition)

The habit instilled by a month of daily prompts provided by Kelly Kilmer has extended, taken hold of me. It's a journaling form that relaxes me, and so far I've found myself returning to it nearly every day. This is a good thing, I think. So now I'm providing my own prompts, which isn't too very different from the manner in which I create my written journal backgrounds. And the journaling? That's actually the easy part, for me. Today, though, is March 1st, and my altered book project begins, so that will take priority. I'm still going to try to do these visual journal prompts at least twice a week, though, for a break, for a refresher, for FUN! One Thing I Envy About Men. "It seems to me that men get all the cool toys & gadgets, & somehow they just know what to do with them all. I'd rather wield a drill or a router than a blender any day. Vroom!" When Art is 'On', How Does It Feel? "sometimes, my art comes to me like the easy winged arc of a bird lifted by currents of air, & I soar, traverse, dive & coast, dip & tumble & play. Precious gift, art flight. & art flight is transformative, a ticket to anywhere, through anything -- it makes me weightless, it dissipates boundaries & hands me the entire sky. It's a comprehensive, all-inclusive vision that extends inward & outward." [window photo by Beth McWilliams, used by permission.]